Highlights From Old Donkey’s Almanac
The web will degenerate into a vile soup of twitter / facebook type sites where everybody talks in txt spk and consequently no one understands each other. Computers will cease to be the main interface with all this rubbish, and the mobile phone will be favoured because it is so much easier to say nothing much on a smaller device.
There will be a general election in the UK and the results will not mirror the polls.
The turnout at the general election will be so poor that the new government will contact Simon Cowell to organise a television celebrity politics program and telephone voting.
A new general election is called for later in the year. In an interesting twist the three main parties are eliminated from the contest in the early stages. One of the leaders becomes abusive to the judging panel and has to be taken away by security staff. The other two become tearful and start weeping, one of them pleads “let me do the speech again, I know I can do it” All three judges give the thumbs down sign and he is lead gibbering away. All three leaders are interviewed by (minor UK celebrities) Ant and Dec and they vow to come back next time with a new act and win it.
In the series final the Scottish Nationalists win by a considerable margin over the far right BNP and the anti Europe party UKIP. The Scotts Nat leader moves in to No 10 Downing street and after consultation with his party declares that they no longer wish for independence, but since they now rule the UK there will be a new bill later in the year to extend the Scottish border down to the south coast and rename the UK “Scotland”. Trousers will be banned and everyone, male and female will have to affiliate themselves to a clan and wear the tartan in the form of a kilt. Haggis and deep fried Mars Bars will become mandatory in Fish and chip shops and takeaways across the country. This is part of a plan to reduce the life expectancy to that of Glasgow so that the country will have less to pay out in old age pensions and thereby solve the outstanding national debt in a much shorter time scale than would otherwise have been possible.
The Isle of Wight will be evacuated and turned into an inmate controlled penal colony (similar to the movie escape to New York). All the empty old prisons will be converted to hostels to house the rising number of unemployed homeless people. The prison warders will be re-employed as Hostel Wardens with similar powers to those they previously enjoyed but slightly fewer opportunities to give someone a good beating.
Some famous people will die, others will get married, have a civil partnership and/or adopt some poor unfortunate little orphan from a third world country.
3D TV will become more popular but a Japanese manufacturer and a Korean company both announce that they are perfecting a 3d/Holographic display that will give you lifelike images at full size projected into your room. Both of these new services will be interactive, using the “hard light” holographic system invented on “Star Trek” so that the viewer can touch and communicate with characters. Unfortunately the two systems are incompatible and neither manufacturer will back down so the market is put on hold as no one wants to commit the $20,000 for a set until they work out which one is the betamax.
A flying saucer will be publicly caught by the US Military when its invisibility shield is deactivated by vandals pointing their laser pen lights at an aircraft cockpit as the flying saucer accidentally crosses the laser beam. To everyone’s surprise the occupants are not from another planet they are human time travellers from after the next ice age. They explain that they have been observing us for years so that they can analyse where we went wrong in our attempts to control the climate. Apparently the man made global warming was the only thing stopping the ice age from happening, and as soon as we stopped using fossil fuels the glaciers took out most of the temperate zones.
The House of Windsor
A prominent member of the royal family will unexpectedly die in very unusual circumstances.
A breakthrough will be made in producing electricity by cheap-to-make cold fusion generators. At last the electric car is a viable option. Road traffic accidents and deaths start to escalate as pedestrians cannot hear the cars coming. The government decides that all electric cars should be fitted with a new loudspeaker and amplifiers system continuously playing the new Scottish National Anthem “Donald where’s your trousers”.
Around the World
Celery will be declared an illegal substance in Uzbekistan, possession of Celery and Cottage Cheese at the same time will become a capital offence.
Beth Ditto will join the Cheeky Girls and they will have a number one hit with an old Rolf Harris number. Beth will also become romantically involved with a minor member of the Royal family. Unfortunately it will all end in tears.
There will be a major revelation regarding the involvement of a certain fugitive bearded terrorist in the assassination of JFK, Princess Di and several other prominent figures from recent history.
As the glaciers start to melt information regarding the last period of global warming starts to appear. Evidence that Intelligent Dinosaurs had a vibrant civilisation and invented the internal combustion engine millions of years ago is seen as proof that the people at the top of the food chain are always causing global warming.
The World of Sport
Southampton FC will be promoted into the championship where they will play against south coast rivals Portsmouth who will be relegated from the premiership.
England will win the world cup beating surprise finalist USA by 1 goal in an exciting match.
David Beckham will be knighted.
The World of Television
Reality TV program “Big Brother” will be pulled from the schedule halfway through the series when the producers realise that in spite of the incredible free publicity from the gutter press nobody can be bothered to actually watch it.
New research will indicate that exercise is bad for you and that chocolate, doughnuts and ice cream are health foods.
There will be a major scandal towards the end of the year when a leak from area 51 reveals that the captured UFO Time travellers have unequivocal proof that in the early 35th century the remains of what can only be the supreme being will be discovered floating in deep space behind the Coal Sack nebula. This information, dragged out of them by waterboarding and other unpleasant activities, also confirms that the deity had been dead for several million years. The world will be appalled that the US military had tried to surpress this information because it didn’t fit in with what they had already decided to believe.
The organised religions will all protest about this except the Roman Catholics who are strangely silent. On the last day of the year the pope announces that they have known this for centuries and that it doesn’t matter because “Nobody takes this stuff seriously anyway”.
International Show Business
The Australian spin off talent show “Australia’s got talent” will be won by an aboriginal gentlemen who has an original act juggling live cats.
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